GOON SHOW: TLO 38857
8TH SERIES: No 1
BROADCAST:
Script by Spike Milligan
GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Light Programme.
FX: Saw, sawing through
wood.
EMERY: (Clears his
throat.)
FX: Further sawing.
EMERY: (Clears his
throat.)
FX: Further, further
sawing.
EMERY: (Clears his
throat.)
FX: Further, further,
further sawing.
EMERY: (Clears his
throat.)
FX: Saw, sawing-
immediately interrupted by…[1]
GREENSLADE: Yes – you’re perfectly right. It’s the
new all leather Goon Show!
GRAMS: C Major arpeggios on piano. Slowly vary the
speed, at first slightly then more and more wildly.
GREENSLADE: That was a chord in C by Johann Sebastian
Bach,[2]
arranged Doris Arnold.[3]
As an encore, Arthur Rubinstein will play Mendelssohn’s Sonata in F in the key
of G.
GRAMS: Recording of Liszt’s “Liebestraum No.3 in
A-flat major.” (Continue under.)
SELLERS: Go on Arthur, play it there boy.
EMERY: Lovely player isn’t he? Go on Arthur the old left
hand there, go on boy
MILLIGAN: We’re just in the mood Arthur go on
EMERY: Lovely isn’t it?
MILLIGAN: Go on Arthur, blow it out. Get some of the old beer
down here.
GRAMS: Liszt recording speeds up and stops.
GREENSLADE: Oh please, please, gentlemen, gentlemen,
please! The BBC would rather you forget the vicissitudes of the summer layoff
and refer to the new collodion on leather process Goon Show.
EMERY: Well, if this is what
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic chords.
FX: Door opens
SELLERS: Spon!
FX: Door closes.
EMERY: Did you hear that dear listeners?
GRAMS: Sheep bleating.
EMERY: Remember it, Spon!
GREENSLADE: Spon, first came to
GRAMS: Group of tired people at a party
SEAGOON: Good evening Constable
WILLIAM: Oh evening Inspector, happy new-type year
EMERY: Happy new year, with the conservatives in?
WILLIAM: Oh, I’ll tell ‘em to move on, come on now move along
there
SINGHEZ-THINGZ: Pardon me, pardon me European-type
Constable of London. We’ve just found a British-type body in the gutter
WILLIAM: Nobody claims it in three days it’s yours
EMERY: Just a moment, just a moment I’ll take charge here.
Just a moment, hold these wardrobes and let’s examine this unearthed form
WILLIAM: He looks like a man sir
EMERY: Right, take this down. Contents of pockets; a wallet,
empty.
WILLIAM: Nationality’s English
EMERY: Wearing a very expensive suit. [Pause] How’s that?
WILLIAM: Fits you lovely, I’ll have his boots
EMERY: Bad Constable, I’m seria
SINGHEZ-THINGZ: Wait a minute, what about this body in
the gutter?
EMERY: We’re coming to him, we’re coming to him I tell you!
Shine your torch on him
WILLIAM: Right, click. Stroofy-manio, look, he’s been sponned!
EMERY: Sponned?
SINGHEZ-THINGZ: Shponned man?
EMERY: Let me see. You’re right, he bears the marks of a
severe sponning. Constable, this is a job for the police
WILLIAM: Oh yes, I’ll blow
FX: Puffer whistle blows
short 13 times. Dramatic music
GREENSLADE: The news of the sponning was in every
morning paper
FX: Newspaper rattling.
Teapot on saucer. Teaspoon on saucer.
BANNISTER: Ooh
FX: Teaspoon on floor.
BANNISTER: Ooh
FX: Teapot. Newspaper.
BANNISTER & CRUN:
Ooh
FX: Teapot then teaspoon
falls to floor.
BANNISTER: O ho ho ho
FX: Teaspoon on floor then
sacer. Teapot. Cup on saucer.
BANNISTER: Come on boy, time for your supper. Sit up, sit up,
sit up. Put this sausage on your nose. There, that’s a clever boy!
CRUN: Minnie
BANNISTER: What?
CRUN: I’m fed up having my breakfast like this
BANNISTER: Sit down boy
FX: Rustling newspaper
CRUN: Min
BANNISTER: What is it Henry?
CRUN: I see that a man as sponned last night.
BANNISTER: Spon, ooh spon, we’ll all be sponned in our beds, oh
dear. Horrors of spon. Your grandmother had it in the Crimean War, ooh spon
CRUN: Don’t worry Min; I’ll put some sulphur under the bed
BANNISTER: Oh the power
CRUN: And then we’d better rub some thin peoples’ herbs
into our legs, Min
BANNISTER: Yes yes, and we’d better take a sponful of Indian
brandy as an added precaution
FX: Door opens smartly.
BANNISTER & CRUN:
Aieough
GRAMS: Galloping horse approaching.
EMERY: Whoa, is this your house?
CRUN: Yes, the receipt
BANNISTER: Did the horse wipe its feet?
EMERY: No need to, he came on another horse. Now, last night
a man was sponned, not far from here
CRUN: We are non-spon people
BANNISTER: Non-spon people!
CRUN: We are respectable people
BANNISTER: Respectable people
EMERY: Now then
BANNISTER & CRUN:
What, what, what did he say? Ooh
EMERY: Listen, don’t get excited. I just wanted to know did
you hear anything at about three ‘o clock this morning?
CRUN: Yes sir. Should I tell him?
BANNISTER: Tell him what Henry?
EMERY: Just come a long, tell me, what?
BANNISTER: Tell him what happened at three ‘o clock this
morning, you naughty man you
CRUN: I heard a clock strike two
EMERY: Gad, at last, a clue. Bow! How many times did it
strike two?
CRUN: I don’t know sir, I fell asleep after it stuck one
twice.
EMERY: One twice? I’ll put that in the adding machine.
GRAMS: Flatulence effects.
EMERY: Just as I thought! Goodbye, telli-ho yoiks. Hay ho
silver in a blinding flash, a white horse and a cry of hay ho silver and the
lone ranger is on the trail of, SPON!
GRAMS: Horse galloping away.
ELLINGTON: Listen, what’s going on here?
EMERY: A leather Goon Show, care to join us?
ELLINGTON: Cor blimey, yes mate. Me got wife and kid, an Asian
flu.
GRAMS: Running footsteps disappearing.
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET - "Sonny Boy"
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
FX: Door opens.
Footsteps approaching.
MILLIGAN: (Venerable) Spon!
FX: Door closes.
GREENSLADE: After a week’s of fruitless search -
success!
EMERY: I found an apple; my search is no longer fruitless.
ORCHESTRA: Woodwind chord, cymbal crash.
EMERY: Apple!
CAST: Ha-Ha!
EMERY: Just a moment. I was confronted by a tall cadaverous
man wearing a nude bicycle shed. Another man let me in.
MORIARTY: Ah, come this way please.
GRYTPYPE: Inspector, I am Mr. Grytpype Thynne.
EMERY: I’m Jim Tomontiul.
GRYTPYPE: I happen to have a photo of a spon.
EMERY: A spon? Ha, I don’t believe you.
GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, show the gentlemen the receipt for the
camera.
FX: Paper rattling.
EMERY: Gad, this is genuine.
GRYTPYPE: And that’s only the receipt. The spon photo is even
more genuine. (Moriarty, time for your aww.)
MORIARTY: Ooioww.
GRYTPYPE: Splendid. He’s just been oowed
EMERY: What?
GRYTPYPE: Because he had to go oow
EMERY: Good luck. Right now look.
MORIARTY: He let me go oow.
EMERY: This photo will be a great value to the police. I
must ask you to hand it over feet first by the wrists.
GRYTPYPE: (Laughs) No Inspector, first there is a little matter
of money.
MORIARTY: Money, MONEY!? Hooow.
GRYTPYPE: Quiet Moriarty. Keep your powers down.
MORIARTY: My powers down
GRYTPYPE: Stop steaming. Money Inspector, yes, the spon photo
draws for a mere £500.
EMERY: Supposing the photo is a forgery?
GRYTPYPE: Well that is a risk I shall have to take.
EMERY: Very well, very well, here’s £500.
FX: Coin hitting floor.
GRYTPYPE: Thank you, now here in this sealed envelope is the
spon photo not to be opened ‘till Christmas.
EMERY: I waited ‘till Christmas, put on a white leather
beard, then tore open the linen envelope from the outside - foiled by foiled,
this isn’t a photo of a spon.
GRYTPYPE: How dare you prove us to be liars? Moriarty hurl this
man in the direction of out
MORIARTY: Right, hup!
GRAMS: Shattering glass
GRYTPYPE: Right through the window
EMERY: Yes, that taught them a lesson, a French lesson. It
was a French window!
ORCHESTRA: Woodwind chord, symbol crash
CAST: Hoy!
GRYTPYPE: Emery-type-Seagoon, stop these BBC audience losing
jokes
GRAMS: Telephone rings speeding up then slowing down again
EMERY: Hello, Emery-type-Seagoon here
GRYTPYPE: Grytpype here
MORIARTY: Moriarty here
GREENSLADE: (Distorted) This is Dr. Greenslade of St.
Hampton’s Hospital for the Fit and Healthy. The spon victim is now conscious
EMERY: Strap him to a thermometer until I arrive or
vice-versa
FX: Hangs up phone.
EMERY: What’s the quickest way to St. Hampton’s Hospital?
GRYTPYPE: Hold this rocket
EMERY: But I...
GRAMS: Whoosh. Sped up voice of Emery saying ‘What
are you doing this for? How dare you...?’
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic music.
GREENSLADE: Ladies and gentlemen, during the
broadcast you might’ve experienced some crackling on your radio
MILLIGAN: She’s mine
GREENSLADE: This is due to atmospherics, so do not
interfere with your set or any ladies in the room. Part three - a
DOCTOR: Say aahh
PATIENT: Aahh (Screams)
FX: Objects hitting
floor
DOCTOR: Stand by your beds
GRAMS: Disorganised running footsteps.
EMERY: Ah, Dr. Greenslade, where’s the spon man?
GREENSLADE: On this hatstand. We did our best, he’s
much better
EMERY: And how are you feeling now, my poor man?
GREENSLADE: I’m fine thankyou
BLUEBOTTLE: He means me you nit!
EMERY: So you were the victim of the sponning, a Finchley
child, of no fixed trousers
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes I was heavily sponned in all areas
below the knees. Spon it went, spon spon spon! Up it came, spon! And down it
went, spuggy! [Singing] Honey, how I love you, how I love you my dear old
honey!
EMERY: Tell me the whole story
BLUEBOTTLE: I was told you the whole story
EMERY: From the beginning
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh I diden know that
EMERY: Right
BLUEBOTTLE: Well I was, I was coming back from
morning classes one evening in
EMERY: Yes yes yes yes?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yeah, there’s some smashing nurses there
EMERY: What, what, what what what what what?! Remove those
evil thoughts from your mind, to mine
BLUEBOTTLE: Never! I can get them free on the
National Health
EMERY: Gad I must vote labour next time
BLUEBOTTLE: They’re all red-hot labour in this ward
EMERY: So this is the labour ward, hup!
ORCHESTRA: Corny chord. Cymbal snap.
CAST: Hoy!
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh look, here comes someone on a
stretcher
EMERY: So they stretch people here. Poor man, bandaged from
head to throat. A victim of some fool. What happened my poor man?
MORIARTY: You threw me through a window you fool
EMERY: That reminds me this photo you sold me is not of a
spon but a military gentleman in
MORIARTY: OK, I tell you I tell you. It’s Major Dennis
Bloodnok, he owns the film rights of The Walton Report
EMERY: What?! Walt Disney will never forgive him. After him!
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme
BLOODNOK: Aeough aeough! Me
GRAMS: Flies.
BLOODNOK: The heat and the flies. I should never’ve come to
ORCHESTRA: Saxophone
playing start of ‘Comrades March’ finishing with one low loud note.
BLOODNOK: Aeough
FX: Knock on door, door
opens, machine.
EMERY: I’m Emery-type-Seagoon, I’ve just arrived in
BLOODNOK: I’m Major Bloodnok and I’ve been here all the time
EMERY: So you beat me here
BLOODNOK:
FX: Cracking whip.
EMERY: OOOWWW, you fool. Bloodnok
BLOODNOK: What?
EMERY: I must warn you I’m on police business
BLOODNOK: Warn me then
EMERY: First, a few questions
BLOODNOK: Yes?
EMERY: One, are you naked?
BLOODNOK: Yes I’m training to take a bath
EMERY: What a funny place to keep the soap
BLOODNOK: How dare you?
EMERY: Is this a photograph of you?
BLOODNOK: I felt no pain
EMERY: Yes, I paid £500 for it
BLOODNOK: A bargain, a genuine Bloodnok
EMERY: I bought it believing it to be a photograph of a spon
BLOODNOK: A spon? You’ve been swindled
EMERY: Bloodnok, I must ask you to be a witness in the spon
case
BLOODNOK: I refuse to testify, sir
EMERY: Then I’ll supiner you
BLOODNOK: You filthy swine! Oooh, Aooohoh!
EMERY: Tie this railway engine round your waist and swallow
this lump of coal
BLOODNOK: And so saying we left for
GRAMS: Two short train whistles
EMERY: Here we are back in
MILLIGAN: I’m sorry we’re closed.
EMERY: Curse! It must be Thursday.
BURKE: [Talking with bagpipe music] No sir, I’m sorry,
welcome home to ungland sir. While you were saway there’s another case of
sponnin’ sir.
EMERY: Where?
BURKE: [Talking with bagpipe music] At the London Zoo sir.
EMERY: A ZOO sponning, the worst type
BURKE: [Talking with bagpipe music] Aarrrr aarrrr
EMERY: How do I get there?
BURKE: [Talking with bagpipe music] You have to take a 39
green elephant sir, but first of all I would like you to hear this array
ORCHESTRA: Burke singing ‘Hairy Me’ accompanied by piano
BURKE: [Talking with bagpipe music] Well I hope you like it
sir, it’s my first composition
FX: Gunshot, Burke in
pain.
GRAMS: dying bagpipes
EMERY: Got him in the haggis. Geldray play a lament while I
put these chickens at bay. Back you devils!
GRAMS: Chicken bleats
MAX GELDRAY - "It Happened in
GREENSLADE: Spon - part three
EMERY: Is this the zoo?
SPRIGGS: Yes Jim, welcome to captivity
EMERY: I’m not here as a specimen. I believe a fish was
sponned
SPRIGGS: Yes Jim
EMERY: Were there any witnesses to the sponning?
SPRIGGS: Oh yes Jim, Harold Blun.
EMERY: Where’s he?
SPRIGGS: In there Jim, [singing] iiinnn therrre
EMERY: Right, I’ll question this Harold Blun.
FX: Door opens, then closes, running footsteps and maniacal
crying
GREENSLADE: We had better explain that Harold Blun is
a gorilla. Height, ten foot three; chest, normal eighty-two inches; weight,
eight hundred pounds. We leave him being questioned by Inspector Emery.
GRAMS: Breaking glass.
EMERY: Oohh
SPRIGGS: Any luck Jim?
EMERY: Yes, I got out alive
GRAMS: More breaking glass.
EMERY: Thank heaven he’s thrown my legs out.
FX: Telephone ringing.
EMERY: Hello? Emery speaking from the zoo.
HERN: (On phone) I’ve
got some news sir. Police records have found an actual recording of a spon.
EMERY: What luck! Mr Spriggs, hold this telephone
SPRIGGS: Right Jim
EMERY: [On phone] Hello Spriggs?
SPRIGGS: Yes?
EMERY: You can hang up now.
SPRIGGS: OK
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
Cast: Rhubarbs
EMERY: Gentlemen, silence! Silence while we hear this
recording of a spon. William, play the record
GRAMS: Vibrato high voice, pops, pff, voice going
up and down followed by high note, burp, fast clicking, ends with a few short
notes.
EMERY: So that’s a spon. Now we know what we’re looking for.
Action
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic music
CAST: Hoi!
GREENSLADE: To trap the sponner, roadblocks were set
up. Special men were put on duty. [Singing] On dutyyyyy!
GRAMS: Boat bell clanging twice, footsteps fading
in.
EMERY: Left, left, left left left. Now you’re right. Halt!
GRAMS: Footsteps stop.
EMERY: Now Colonel, sorry to put a man of such high rank on
guard but only men of high intellect can be trusted, so I leave you to trap the
spon. See you later
GRAMS: Footsteps fading out.
ECCLES: [Singing softly] Hey little men, when when when, love
letters in the street...
GRAMS: Flatulence effects.
ECCLES: What’s that sound that shouldn’t be there and wasn’t?
What’s that? What’s that? What’s that?
GRAMS: More flatulence effects.
ECCLES: Oooohhh. What’s that then? Hat’s that? What?
GRAMS: Wind.
ECCLES: Ooooohhhhhh. What’s that? What’s that going
ooooohhhhh? Who goes there?
GRAMS: Gibberish talk.
ECCLES: Advance and be recognised
EMERY: Don’t shoot! It’s me, great news! I’ve heard that
there’s a...
GREENSLADE: Now, Emery tells Eccles that a third
sponning has been traced to the Canadian Rockies. Part four - the Canadian
Rockies
ORCHESTRA: Corny chord. Cymbal snap.
CAST: Hoy!
EMERY: Look, the Canadian
CAST: Hurray!
EMERY: Didn’t take long
ECCLES: It didn’t hurt
EMERY: Now let’s speak to this typical native of
CYRIL: Um, hello partner buddy. Um, so ah, what can I do for
you?
FX: Spit, object hitting bucket
CYRIL: That’s alright that bit wasn’t it?
EMERY: Very nice. We need a guide.
CYRIL: Here, I’ve got the very fella for you. Um, Chief
Wurriguts.
WURRIGUTS: Yim, boom balabuya bomb.
CYRIL: This man here is a genuine fake Red Indian available
for Ray Ellington parts.
WURRIGUTS: My card.
EMERY: This card is blank.
WURRIGUTS: Me got writing on the back.
EMERY: That’s a damn silly place to write, on the back.
WURRIGUTS: Look, me tell you. Chief Wurriguts, MGM child star,
expert hunter, trapped? Sends spoke signals, nine words per shilling, sware
words extra.
BLOODNOK: Don’t pay it sir, I can do all your swearing at half
price. It’s the off season, you know.
ECCLES: Is this the off season?
BLOODNOK: Yes.
ECCLES: Well I’m off then.
EMERY: Come back at once! Remember here as suspects
ECCLES: All of us?
EMERY: Yes.
CYRIL: Well you’d better head off before it gets dark then,
hadn’t you?
WURRIGUTS: OK, white men, all ready for the trek?
EMERY: Right, I’ll get my trek suit on. Fill up the huskies
with petrol and harness them to the sherrabang. Forward!
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GRAMS: Gail wind, chicken bleats...
BLUEBOTTLE: Mush, mush! Get up there! Flicks
leather-type whip
ORCHESTRA: Cracking whip.
BLUEBOTTLE: Aeough, my ear hole!
EMERY: Bluebottle, tell those dogs to stop doing impressions
of chickens
BLUEBOTTLE: Naughty dogs! Stop them chicken
impressions
GRAMS: Chicken bleats stop.
WURRIGUTS: Well now, we’ll have to travel on foot
EMERY: Right, I’ll unpack one
WURRIGUTS: But what about your luggage? Me got three wives in
suitcase
BLOODNOK: Carry your bags, sir?
EMERY: Down Bloodnok! Put evil thoughts behind you
BLOODNOK: They are behind me, that’s why I’m first in the
queue, you know
EMERY: Military fool
BLOODNOK: [Laughs]
EMERY: Oh, now everybody will have to help carry my luggage.
Now to find that dreaded spon!
GREENSLADE: I’m sorry to interrupt you, Mr. Emery,
but you’ve only got thirty seconds left
EMERY: I can’t search
GREENSLADE: Very well. Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve
been listening to an incomplete Goon Show. Goodnight!
ORCHESTRA: Start of end theme.
GREENSLADE: Alright Wally, whoa hold it. For
dissatisfied customers, here is a happy ending:
ORCHESTRA: Romantic music.
MILLIGAN: Cynthia?
CYNTHIA: Yes darling?
MILLIGAN: Marry me, Cynthia!
CYNTHIA: Darling, I’d love to!
GRAMS: Organ playing bridal precession, church
bells clanging.
ORCHESTRA: End theme
GREENSLADE: That was the Goon Show. A BBC recorded
programme featuring Peter Sellers, Dick Emery and Spike Milligan, with the Ray
Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott.
Script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced
by Charles Chilton!
[1] The joke – obtuse as it first seems, was that somebody in the cast – probably Secombe, had a throat like an emery (Dick Emery) board.
[2] German composer, (1685-1750) and one of the principal exponents of the high Baroque school. One of his most famous pieces is a Prelude in C major built entirely on arpeggios (the independent notes of a chord.)
[3] The name ‘Doris Arnold’ sounds suspiciously like a take-off Eileen
Joyce, (1912-1991) the renowned Tasmanian pianist. Her emotionally charged
performances, colour-coded by composer, (green for Chopin, blue for Beethoven)
brought morale boosting performances of the classics to thousands during
war-time